Some time ago, when I was much younger I had fallen into self mutilation. It was so I could feel something, anything... besides the empty void. Things were rough.. I couldn't cry for about three (probably more) years. Those habits fell away, and after a few more troubling years and a suicide attempt (four years and counting since that day 1998.April.4th? I know it was a tuesday) I finally stopped. I don't know why, but it didn't serve me anymore.. Definitely a good thing.

This fall the cuttings started again. I had been thrown into an unpleasant situation (living at home again) and there were several other issues that I felt that I had no control over. It felt better to feel the pain than the extreme emotional anguish.. and so the scars started to appear again. Now I'm trying to get away from such drastic things, with the kind help of my friends and a therapist. I know that my family will never understand... it's too scary. I do this because it keeps me alive some nights. I'm able to live and function after the blood stops flowing and the cuts heal. I know that I'm capable of so much more violence, and I definitely hope and pray that I shall never -ever- come to such extreme measures.

Several weeks ago I would have never made this page. Now I feel that if I am to stop myself I have to let other people know about what I do. I suppose it comes from a quote I heard one day (and... of course.. I can't remember it.) When I do get to the point of mutilation it's hard to reach out and tell others about it, I'm usually scared of it myself. I've found some help online, as well as from other people. A good resource for self help is here.... secret shame (self-injury information and support) It's given me some support.. I'm not alone in this pain. I know that I'm not alone, people care for me. I thank you all dearly for it and wish you peace and contentment. What you've done and offer me is greatly appreciated, it makes the nights and days go easier.

Send me back home.